That's My Wreck, NACHOS

If you frequent Pinterest you've probably seen these Sweet campfire cakes going around:

These are relatively simple, fun designs made with chocolate icing, Pirouette cookies, and hard sugar "flames." Some folks also add toasted marshmallows:

(By Shower of Roses)

So pretty!

Now, you're supposed to melt down butterscotch and cinnamon candies to make those flames, but one bakery decided ain't nobody got time for that, and swapped them out for the PERFECT SUBSTITUTE:

Nacho Cheese Doritos.

Doritos?

Yes, DORITOS.

"Aw, but Jem," you're thinking, because you've once again confused me for an outrageous cartoon rock star - and I'll be honest, I ain't mad - "But Jem, look how cheap it is! A little stale cheese dust in our chocolate icing isn't so bad for less than 13 smackeroos, right?"

OH CON-TRARE, my hopefully French-illiterate friend.*

[*By which I mean illiterate in French, not from France and illiterate. Though if you are illiterate and from France you can't read this anyway, so just BE COOL, friends-of-illiterate-French-people, and don't go telling them Jem's talking smack, 'cuz JEM DON'T PLAY THAT.]

Look a little closer at that label:

"Plus cost of candy & chips."

PLUS!?

Yeeeeah, Jem don't play that either, bakers.

Thanks to Mackensie C. for the sick burn.

*****

P.S. I was going to make another nacho pun but I got distracted by this taco fanny pack:

I repeat, A TACO FANNY PACK. With drink holder!

Remember, Whatever Happens Out There, We Are Total Prefessionals

It's Administrative Professionals' day, minions, a time to A) thank your professional assistants, and B) force local bakers to write ridiculously long, hard-to-spell words on cakes.

SO LET'S GET TO IT.

Oooh, so close.

If they only had spell-check for cakes, am I right?

Hang on, what's this? THEY DO??

Well, THAT's clearly helping.

Hey, I know: why not skip the hard-to-spell stuff altogether, and just get down to the heart of what you're trying to say?

...but maybe a little less honest.

And less sarcastic.

YES!

I mean, uh, no. See, while literally everyone can appreciate a good "assets" pun, today you really want something more personalized to your actual assistant. Maybe start with their name?

[head hitting desk]

[muffled talking into keyboard] No, no, see, you need to make your workers feel VALUED and RESPECTED and... what's that? You already ordered the cake? Oh. OK.

I'm sure they'll love it.

Thanks to Jenny L., Carrie C., Helene W., John M., Celeste G., Lani R., & Tera L., who I appreciate in a completely non-creepy, totally prefessional way. MWAH.

*****

Because some work days call for more than coffee:

"Probably Whiskey" Enamel "Coffee" Mug

(The listing really does have "coffee" in quotation marks, ha!)