Cake After People

What would happen if every baker on earth...[dramatic voice]...disappeared?

This isn't the story of how they might vanish. It's what happens to the cakes they leave behind. This is just part of the journey that will take us to the future of once active bakeries, as well as haunting sites already devoid of taste. Welcome to earth, population: zero.

1 year

after bakers

An abandoned ring and silk flowers bear mute witness to the echoing loneliness...of desolation.

10 years

after bakers

In the depths of bakery windows everywhere, dust gathers. Icing crumbles. With no workers here to clean, once-sweet treats become deadly harbingers of disease.

Sun-bleached displays now resemble so much worn, waxy marble, making it impossible to distinguish what once was a timeless tasty treat.

Uh. Lot of alliteration in this half of the script, huh?

Sound guy: Alliter what now? 

Never mind.

100 years

after bakers

Geothermal flash floods bring with them river rock and debris. Amazingly, the petrified pastries persevere.

Seriously? "Petrified pastries persevere?" Who wrote this?

sound guy: I think it was the new guy; he had to finish up when Jerry took leave. Look, just go with it; we're on a roll.

[sigh] Fine.

In dank, darkened displays, filthy, festering folds of fondant mask the moldering malformed mess, made more malignantly misshapen in much...

[throwing script down] Oh come on!!

sound guy: What?

I'm ad-libbing from here. Deal with it.

sound guy: Ok, but you're telling Jerry.

Fine. Let's wrap this up.

10,000 years

after bakers

Yeeeeee-haw!

Come and get it!!

sound guy: Seriously?

Seriously.

Hey Carly T., Tom H., & Clair W., did you know that all these displays are for bakeries still open for business? Seriously.

*****

P.S. Presenting my all-time favorite Christmas tee, and heck yes I've already been wearing it for the last 3 weeks:

Tree Rex T-Shirt

The graphic is bright and cheery, it's super soft, and only costs $14! More colors and cuts for Men and Kids at the link.

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

My New Favorite Thing Ever: STICK A STICK IN IT

Ahh, black and white weddings. So classic. So chic. Why, just look at this beribboned beauty here:

LOOK AT IT.

That's what the bride wanted.

This is what the bride got:

CLASSIC.

And how about this little number?

Simple white tiers, drippy dragees, a flower topper - what could go wrong?

[deadpan stare]

[uncomfortable silence]

[slow, creepy grin]

BAM!

Oh, you know you love it.

Ok, last one. Behold this black and white flight of fancy:

FANCY.

Now behold When Flights of Fancy Collide With The Telephone Pole Of Ineptitude:

Here's what Angela, the bride, had to say:

"...the cake was falling apart when she brought it in and once she sat it down she started grabbing glow bracelets and stuffing them in the cake along with a stick she had my mom break off a tree outside...."

I'm going to stop you there, Angela, just so we can all savor this moment.

***

Everyone done savoring?
Ok, Angela, please continue.

"....and the cake was not even fully decorated...the back of the cake was bare....and I had asked to have burgundy hearts and white daisies added as well... it wasn't even the cake I had wanted and she said she could do them no problem!"

There's a lesson to be learned here, my friends. A lesson which I am not prepared to reveal because I'm too busy looking for the tree branch jammed in that cake up there.

Thanks to Karie C., Mikki J., and Angela for sharing their pain with us today. So that we may laugh. At their pain. But in a supportive way.

*****

P.S. Speaking of sticks, let me show you our cat Suki's favorite one:

Silvervine Cat Chew Sticks

If your cats don't react to catnip, try these; they're branches from a different plant with the same effect. My cats happen to love both, but I prefer Silvervine since the sticks are less messy than loose catnip, plus help clean their teeth.

Even better, a 10-pack of sticks is only $6, and they last forever. It's been 2 years and I'm still on my second pack. Every couple months I'll scrape off a little bark to expose more of the wood underneath, which freshens the effect; the cats are EXTRA interested afterward. (The sticks have no smell for humans, btw.) Highly, HIGHLY recommend for your feline friends.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: