Balls

Attn parents: Sports-related double entendres ahead! Proceed with caution!

The other morning (and by "morning" I mean "afternoon") John woke up with a pain in half his tiddlywinks. (And by "tiddlywinks" I mean..."tiddlywinks.") He's fine now, so not to worry; those are all the gory details you're going to get.

Well, unless you count the fact that today's post is all about wrecked balls. Call it a subconscious thing. Or my way of getting way too much mileage out of some good-natured ribbing.

So...

Balls.

They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. But no matter what, balls have at least one thing in common: they're generally supposed to be more round than lumpy:

Now that's just nutty.

One exception, of course, is the football, which is shaped more like a loaf of bread with harp strings:

I guess some balls are just more likely to touchdown than others.

I'm told this is either a soccer ball or a steamrolled panda:

Ain't that a kick to the head?

And don't get me STARTED on this "basketball:"

Slam dunk? More like a Slam FLUNK. 

[rimshot!]

Sometimes it helps to put your balls with other related pieces of equipment. That way people will know how to handle them.

All that's missing is third base. 

And of course no discussion of balls is complete without...um...hang on. Is this what I think it is?

It is!

Bakers, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

That flaming basketball is totally not to scale!

(So tell me, players: Do you experience a burning sensation when you dribble?)

Thanks to Natalie B., Dolores T., Rachel J., Erica B.,  Heather F.,  & Lauren P.,  who will no doubt agree that if John's going to sit and play Xbox for 27 hours straight, he should probably get some looser boxers.

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Relevant Amazon link is relevant:

Do You Want To Play With My Balls?

This is apparently a "children's book parody for adults," but claims you can read it to the kiddos, too, provided you can keep a straight fact. Ha!

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And from my other blog, Epbot:

Easy As 1,2,C!

"Ok, Mr. Johnson, we're going to take a quick look at your tax forms for last year, alright?"

"Nooo problem."

"Great. Let's start with your dependents. Now, how old is your daughter Emily, exactly?"

"Oh, she hasn't been born yet. But not to worry; the wifey and I are working on that, IF you know what I mean!" [winkwink]

"Er...unfortunately I do, yes. And forgive me, but I couldn't help but notice from your previous returns that little Levi has been one year old for quite some time."

"That's a, uh, medical condition. Very rare. I'm sure you've never heard of it. But it's completely tax-deductible, believe me - just like his back waxing."

"Uh HUH. And I see that you and your wife, Ann - if that's her real name..."

"Oh, she likes to spell it with quotes. She's French."

"Ah. Well, you and your wife seem awfully fond of naming your children 'Andy.' Why is that?"

"We find it's just easier that way. And you should see 8th Andy with her ferrets - aDOOORable!"

"Look, Mr. Johnson, I'm sure we can get all your dependents sorted out, but right now I'm most concerned about your numbers."

"My numbers? What's wrong with them?"

"Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you can't count."

"WHAT?! Of course I can count! Counting is as easy as 1, 2, 5!"

"Three, sir."

"Oh, fine, have it your way."

"And perhaps next we should talk about your hearing problem."

"What?"

Thanks to Marsha N., Darcy P., Carrie Z., Jen M., & Nikki H. for taxing us with today's wrecks. Remember, cake wrecks and books about cake wrecks are completely tax-deductible, guys!

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This seems like a great time to bring this back:

P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever

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And from my other blog, Epbot: