Come Meet Jen, Who Often Refers To Herself in the Third Person

I've been hinting around about this on both Facebook and Twitter, and now I'm pleased to say I can finally share with you the details of the coming U.S. Cake Wrecks Book Tour!!

Exactly, Jae K.

Uh, you DID know there's a book, right? Because you've already pre-ordered your copy like a good Wrecky henchperson, right?

Well, even if you haven't purchased a copy I hope you'll come say hello (and then purchase a copy). It's not that I'd mind eating all the cake myself (did I mention there'll be cake?) and doing the Q&A with just John (and that John's coming?), but frankly, Andrews McMeel might. So please, block out these dates on your calenders now, and then buy any necessary plane tickets to get you there, because with today's plethora of transportation options I am NOT accepting "it was too far away" as an excuse. (Hey, if I have to get on a plane...)

Ok, ok, just to sweeten the deal further: How about a contest? And even better, one in which no talent is required and you get to eat the results?

Yes, exactly like this, Christine D. Thanks.
(The original is here.)

Yep, in a nutshell: just make a Wreckplica of your choice...but the catch is, it has to be on a cupcake. This is both to keep the entries a manageable size, and (bonus!) just to screw with you. The crowd favorites will win fabulous prizes, which admittedly I haven't decided on yet, but believe me, they're going to be fabulous.

There will also be cake for everyone (bakers, if you'd like to volunteer your services in your city, let me know), so rest assured you will be leaving with a sugar buzz even if you don't bring an entry - but you still should anyway, so that those of us with icing in our hair don't mock you.

Yeah. Like that.

Ok, now that I have you positively salivating with anticipation, here's the schedule:

Orlando, FL
Borders (Winter Park)
Tuesday, September 22, 5PM
(NOTE: This will be my first public appearance EVER. So let me apologize in advance for doing the entire Q&A with a barf bag strategically placed on my lap.)

Portland, OR
Powell’s Books
Friday, September 25, 7:30 pm

Seattle, WA
Third Place Books
Saturday, September 26 6:30 pm

San Francisco, CA
Copperfield's Books (Petaluma)
Sunday, September 27 2:00 pm

Denver, CO
Tattered Cover Bookstore (Historic LoDo)
Tuesday, September 29 7:30 pm

Chicago, IL
Barnes & Noble (Old Orchard)
Thursday, October 1, 7:30 pm

Dallas, TX
Legacy Books
Saturday, October 3, 2:00 pm

Austin, TX
BookPeople
Sunday, October 4, 3:00 pm

Kansas City, MO
Barnes & Noble (Oak Park)
Monday, October 5, 6:00 pm
(NOTE: Yes, technically this is not in Missouri; it's in Kansas. I think these are listed by the closest major city, if that helps explain it any.)

Bethesda, MD
Barnes & Noble
Tuesday, October 6, 7:00 pm

New York, NY
Barnes & Noble (Greenwich Village)
Wednesday, October 7, 7:30 pm

I should mention that this tour started out with only 5 stops, and has grown to what it is now partly due to your exuberant responses on Facebook. So if you feel that some crime of omission has been committed here, by all means, tell me in the comments.

I'd also like to apologize to my international readers, since as you can see this tour is limited to the U.S. Given my dislike of flying in general - and long flights in particular - I have a hard time feeling TOO bad about this, but I am sorry I won't be able to meet all you lovelies in Australia, the UK, Japan, etc. We may try to stream one of the Q&A sessions online for you, so stay tuned.

And finally, if you think you might join us at one of the venues above, please RSVP - even if it's with a "maybe" - by clicking on the city name. This will help us figure out how much cake, prizes, chairs, etc. to have on hand.

Thanks, guys! I look forward to meeting many of you soon!

UPDATE: WOW. Thanks for the frenzied amount of feedback - I knew I could count on you Wreckies to speak your mind! Just remember that *I* am not the one booking this tour, so no accusing me of hatin' on the southeast/northeast, Ok? And rest assured, the powers-that-be are reading your comments here, so I for one have faith that - no matter what happens - I can always blame the outcome on them. :D

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!

What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!

- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty