LOOK AT ALL MY PEARLS Y'ALL

Tomorrow is John's and my 22th wedding anniversary, and before you ask, yes, we DID get married as toddlers. We wore onesies and tottered down the aisle to the theme from Muppet Babies. It was awesome.

Anyhoo, I know what you're thinking. "Jim," you're thinking, - because you've again mistaken me for a starship captain with a penchant for pauses - "Jim, how can *I* be married for 22 blissful years?"

Ahhhh, SAY NO MORE. I do the talking around here.

Oh, and John says I have to use a bunch of these older submissions from the archives, but don't worry; I can make anything work with my stellar marriage advice. SO BRING IT, JOHN.

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #1:

Um, don't... radiate... each other. Instead, BE RADIANT.

(booya oh yeah i got this)

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #2:

Keep each other as happy as a pig in poo.
And then stay away from bees.
(Which is really more of a life tip, so that's a bonus for you single folk.)

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #3:

[....]

[pin dropping]

[...]

Next!

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #4:

Every piece of clothing ever makes her look the sexiest she has ever looked. Period.

And that goes double for the wedding dress.

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #5

When the haircut goes wrong, stick a hat on it and buy him/her cake.
And when you accidentally run over the pet snake...

...stick a hat on it and buy him/her cake.
(Your spouse, I mean, not the snake. I'm pretty sure the snake won't care for cake at this point.)

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #6:

Be their rock:

...with spontaneous wrastlin' matches.

(MROWR)

And finally,

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #7:

Give them what they want, and lots of it.

By which I mean cake.

MOAR CAKE PLS JOHN.

Thanks to Julie G., KK, Becca H., Samantha B., Ellen W., Mark H., & Diana A. for the excuse to share all these pearls of wisdom. LOOK AT ALL MY PEARLS Y'ALL.

And a special thanks to john, the hubby of me, for still being here after 22 years of poo puns and demands for whoopie... pies. I love you, Sweetness. Here's to many multiples of 22 more.

*****

P.S. If you have an anniversary coming up yourself, and a significant other who loves true crime or just a twisted sense of humor, then I have just the card for you:

Funny Anniversary Card

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

The Dolphins Have Left The Building

I know we're all tired of 2020 memes, but this made my inner frood smile:

For you youngin's who haven't read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, that's a reference to when the dolphins left Earth because it was about to be demo'd for an interstellar bypass by really really bad poets. 

(It's an extremely sophisticated piece of literature. What.)

Anyway, I just realized: I think the dolphins ARE gone! At least from cookie cakes. Check this out.

Here's a dolphin cookie cake from last year:

And here are THIS year's models, also supposedly "dolphins":

Riiiiiight.

You're not fooling anyone, bakers, that's clearly a leaping squirrel.

::head tilt::

Or a blue bird on its back.

Ahhh, the ol' "duck in a banana peel" trick. Nice try.

Please, that's just a penguin with a pointy nipple!

Admit it, bakers, the dolphins are gone, aren't they?

AREN'T THEY?

o.0

[...]

Yep, we're doomed.

Thanks to Anony M., Michelle G., Amy L., Alyssa B., & Traci S. for not ::sunglasses::  flipping out.

*****

P.S. Well, at least we can always remember our fine flippered friends with cute jewelry:

Double Heart Dolphin Necklace

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: