How It Might Have Happened

"Hello? Yes, I'd like to order a cake that looks like my husband's Audi. That's right, an Audi. And could you make it a nice coppery brown? Thanks!"

[Later that day]

Alisha E., don't tell me that's not really what happened, because I choose to believe it is. So there.

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7 More Things That Should Never Be On Cake

And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:

7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake

7. Anything that looks like a spleen

Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.

6. Shrimp

Because shrimp.

5. Nipples

Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.

4. Ants

Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.

3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds

Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?

So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!

2. Mold

BAKERS WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

1. Back hair

Actually, this is kind of hilarious.

Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.

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SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS.

Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.