CCCs: The Canker Sores Of Civilized Society (aka, AND ANOTHER THING!!)

Sometimes I lay awake at night, afraid that you readers may STILL think cupcake cakes (patooie!) are not the spawn of Satan.

I'm afraid I've been too soft on these vile canker sores of civilized society. That you minions may even think - and this really scares me - that I'm only kidding.

IS THIS THE CCC (patooie!) OF A KIDDER?!

So this is it, minions. My last ditch Soap Box rant.

Let's review.

First, there's that "lovely lady lumps" texture:

And if your "cake" ISN'T pockmarked with pot holes, it's because your baker did this:

...to fill in all the gaps.

Bakers also use copious amounts of icing to stick the cupcakes in place:

That's copious amounts of icing you have to dig through with your fingers to get the cupcake wrappers off.

So please, tell me again how cupcake cakes (patooie!) are easier and cleaner to serve.

Next there's the whole "flattened by Judge Doom's steamroller" issue:

(If ONLY bakers had a way to make a perfectly round cake! [sob])

And since bakers can't get their cupcakes into any kind of recognizable shape, many have given up trying altogether:

What is it?

The world may never know.

...but this one looks kinda dirty.

Happily, big bakery chains have responded by taking a critical look at the (many) problems of CCCs (patooie!), carefully evaluating potential solutions...

...and then chucking more plastic on 'em.

But worst of all, minions - WORST of all - is the blatant, gleefully-kicking-us-while-we're-down cruelty represented in these particular abominations:

I'm talking about cupcake cakes (patooie!) disguised as REAL CAKES.

How do you light those candles? You don't. BECAUSE THIS WHOLE "CAKE" IS A LIE.

This is like when you really want a steak, and someone gives you a hamburger patty with a picture of a steak taped to it.

They're even making cupcake cakes (patooie!) of real cupcakes:

Which, ok, points for being totally meta, but otherwise?

NOOOOOooooOOOOOOOoooo

Look, my friends, I'm not saying that America as we know it will collapse into a slag heap of ruin if you ever buy another cupcake cake.

But I'm not saying it WON'T, either.
[meaningful glare]

So you think about that.

Thanks to Anna V., Sarah F., Deborah F., Lisa H., Cassandra T., Hillary H., Crystal, Michael G., Martina T., Chelsea, Tara C., Emily S., Julia K., & Paige C. for helping me write the longest CW post in the history of CW. John actually made me cut it down a bit. Because, oh yes, I HAVE MORE, PEOPLE .

*****

Remember, every time you skip buying a CCC (patooie!) and buy a little plush kitty in cake roll blanket instead, an angel gets its wings:

 Squishy KittiRoll Plush

Or you can choose the puppy in a burrito OR panda in a banana. (Would that be a Pup-rrito and Panda-nana? Ooh, I'd almost get the panda just for the name!)

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

STICKY SAVAGES

Minions, today we celebrate the humble cupcake.

Yes, YOU, little guy!

See, what was once merely a paltry single-serving of cake has, under the expertise of today's bakers, become so much more.

.... terrible, I mean. 
It's become so much more terrible.

(That frog has seen things.)

Any idea what these are supposed to be?

Huh. Me, neither.

But I bet they'll still get me banned on Facebook.

 (Don't mention the cream, don't mention the cream, don't mention the cream.)

 I feel like these are trying to tell us something:

I don't know what, exactly, but I do enjoy a good birthdish.

The problem is that cupcakes no longer work alone. Now, the CUPCAKE IS LEGION.

... and also buried under two pounds of frosting while it masquerades as a real cake.

 BUT YOU'RE NOT FOOLING US, you, you... cupcake cakes. [patooey!]

Yes, minions, these roving packs of once civilized cupcakes are now sticky savages bent on our very destruction!

After all, what kind of monsters have this much icing on the OUTSIDE of paper wrappers? VILE HARBINGERS OF DOOM, that's what kind.

It's unnatural!

It's wrong!

 It's, like, super lumpy!

Doesn't that just tweak your giblets?

Well I'm mad as well, and I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Hold up, is that a SLIMER cupcake cake? [patooey!]
...
...
...
Ok, bakers, I'll let you slide for another ten years. BUT THAT'S IT.

Thanks to Clairance C., Rachel C., Jennifer F., Heather H., Heather K., Traci B., Dina V., Miriam, & Meagon G. & Jesika F. for reminding us who we're gonna call.

And since I’ll take any excuse to shop for Ghostbusters merch, LOOK HOW CUTE THIS SLIMER PLUSH IS:

Deluxe Super-Soft Slimer Plush, perfect for spectral snuggling.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: