Ho Ho Homicides

We interrupt your daily web browsing to bring you this SPECIAL REPORT.

A pastry butcher is on the loose and rampaging through our nation's bakeries. Let's go straight to the scene of the latest crime:

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIE!!"

Er... ok, maybe we should just run some B roll instead.

Let's take a look at some of the pastry punisher's previous victims:

[wincing] Ouch. That's cold, man. Ice cold.

Yes, this cake crushing criminal is no respecter of Christmas celebrities. Why, poor Rudolph was found stunned like a common 'deer in the headlights:

And gingerbread Mr. Bill learned exactly how the cookie crumbles:

"Ohhh nooooo!"

Most chilling, however, is the spreading string of serial Santa slayings.

Yes, this callous Kringle killer is out to collect some serious coal this year.

It seems that each fearful face-off leaves Father C. face down.

Talk about a knife in the back: Santa just got served.

With a heaping helping of childhood trauma on the side.

Suspects are limited, but bystanders report spotting a suspicious character lurking around the cupcakes:

So, if you see a murderous tableau in the cake aisle, then please, contact your local bakery authorities immediately...

...and ask them to stop making dead Christmas character cakes.

Thanks to Jessica L., Misty M., Kelly J., Rebecca M., Jim F., Anna M., Rachel M., & Monica D. for the killer treats.