Am I Ready For Some What Now?

As a prefessional blogger/author with a penchant for working odd hours and quoting Ghostbusters at inappropriate moments - ("Ugly little spud, isn't he?" "THAT'S MY NEPHEW.") - I think it's pretty obvious I don't get out much.

That's ok, though, because I have all of your submissions to keep me up to date on current events! In fact, you'd be amazed how much you can learn about the world through cake.

For instance, I can now confidently predict that the world will end...

...last month.

Ok, so maybe I'm a little behind on submissions. Whatever. It's not like it's the end of the world! Haha! ZING!

Also thanks to your submissions, I happen to know that it's currently football season. That, or there's another Saw sequel in theaters:

 

Ick.

Well, for our breakfast's sake, let's assume it's football season. And as is our tradition here at CW, I will now give you a quick gameplay overview, so that you, too, can be stared at and admired by your friends and family and that guy at the coffee shop who clearly finds your keen grasp on the inner workings of professional gameplay delightful, and that's why he keeps snickering.

Ok, so. Football. First of all, it's NOT soccer.

 

However, this IS what happens when you get a football and a soccerball drunk.

Football is played on a field of green, which is not to be confused with a field of dreams unless Kevin Costner is on it. Shirtless. (Bow chicka WOW WOW.)

Ahem.

The field is divided into forty yard lines on one side and fifty yard lines on the other. Whichever team won last gets to start on the fifty side.

Sometimes the field is sectioned off into a grid so the crowd can play a giant game of lawn checkers during halftime:

Other times the field is ditched all together in favor of a handy cow pasture:

[insert "tight end pass" joke here]

The football itself is sometimes referred to as the ol' "pigskin," but this is a misnomer, since the ball is actually made from leftover Thanksgiving turkeys:

The players, or "idiots" as hardcore fans know them, wear the skulls of candy canes in place of helmets:

This makes it easier for the players to hear all the fans calling them idiots.

It's the players' job to kick the ball as high as humanly possible, so that it can climb Jacob's Ladder and land in God's lap:

Since God likes basketball better, though, sometimes they paint a basketball brown to try and trick St. Peter into catching it:

This is known as a "Hail Mary."

If you start to find the rules of football confusing, then just study this clearly marked strategy guide until you realize you don't care anymore and just want some more nine-layer-dip and Cheetos, please:

In the end, I'm sure you'll find more cow poop - but you'll probably ALSO agree with me and this baker when we say that Football is Fabulous!

 Go Red Sox!

Thanks to Michelle C., Jefferson L., Sarah F., Liz B., Sara S., Donna, Chris B., Anna B., Boni M., Abigail C., Diane B., &Heather D. for being such great team players.