Wreck'd History: Columbus Day

WARNING: Today's post, while hysterical, is also EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL. We did not anticipate or intend this, but there it is. So, if you are perhaps related to or otherwise a huge fan of Christopher Columbus, you may want to skip this post. Please. For all our sakes. It's just better that way.

Tl, dr: STOP READING THIS IF YOU LOVE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

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THE COMPLETELY TRUE STORY OF COLUMBUS DAY

told with cake

A long time ago, there was this guy named Christopher Columbus.

He was kind of a schmuck.

Columbus wanted to sail around the world, so he met with King John II of Portugal:

(It's a king cake. Try to keep up.)

...and asked the king for some boats and a crapton of money:

Mmmm greeeeasy...

King John politely declined.

Not to be discouraged, Columbus went to Spain and met with Ferdinand and Isabella, who were way cooler about the whole thing:

"Dat voyage is WHACK!"

So they gave him everything he wanted and promised him the title of Admiral of the Seas because they figured he'd probably kill himself anyway.

Columbus set sail, and eventually Rodrigo de Triana, a lookout on the Pinta, caught sight of land:

Beautiful.

...but Columbus claimed he saw it first, because he was kind of a... well...

Yeah. That.

Eventually, they made it to shore and called the "new discovery" San Salvador.

Meanwhile, the locals were like:

That's when Chris noticed a few of the locals were wearing gold, and decided it was a good time to take them prisoner and/or kill them:

Have I mentioned what a swell guy he was?

Then Columbus sailed around some more:

...and eventually wrecked the Santa Maria.

Bummer.

Sadly he didn't die, though, and went on to bring lots of wonderful things to the "new" world, like disease:

...and other diseases:

...and corn*.

Which is why Columbus day is stupid.

So happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone!

Gooble 'til you wooble!

Thanks to Gwynne O., Lisa, Becky B., Michelle B., Kasi K., Lizzy B., Melody, Judie V., Leicia G., Michael S., Laurel L., Michele D., Monique R., Sabrina P., Juanita G., and Leif E. for doing it right the first time.

(*Jen: "I don't think he brought corn..."
John: "Shhhhhh.")

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And from my other blog, Epbot: