10 Hilariously Inappropriate Baby Shower Cakes

Let's be honest, ladies: baby showers tend to turn us into cooing idiots. Suddenly EVERYTHING is "precious," and we find ourselves oohing and aahing over things like diaper cakes (two words that should NEVER be used together, btw) and nightmare-inducing sonogram pictures that by rights should have us calling for an old priest and a young priest.

Not everyone has succumbed to the cute mandate, though; some fight back with the most graphic, crass, and undeniably hilarious shower cakes this side of the "Here I Come!" C-section cake.

Now there's a fresh slice of reality for you: Even the tiny elf baby has soiled himself.

I'm the kind of person who gets way too distracted wondering if this was actually news to the person who got the cake - and if so, HOW. Seriously, think about it. 

Ok, you can stop thinking about it now.

 No, really. Stop. We have more cakes to look at!

Tired of all the cutesy euphemisms for birth? Then let's get physiological, baby!

Say what you want, but this is STILL less icky than a torso cake.

Speaking of which, nothing screams "snack time" like a naked woman mid-birth, amirite?

I still feel partially responsible for these things; I posted The First Censored Cake Wreck a few years back, and then, bam! Suddenly these "push" cakes are EVERYWHERE.

And as if that's not bad enough, this baker decided I just don't have enough trauma associated with beloved childhood characters:

NO, CAT IN THE HAT, NOOOOOO!

I've never once wondered what a blow-up doll giving birth would look like, but now I know anyway. THANKS, BAKER. (I also started to wonder what kind of obscene Suessian rhymes she would spout out, and things quickly went from "disturbing" to "I WILL NEVER LEAVE THERAPY.")

 Maybe we should just go back to sperm cakes.

 But supposing you want a sperm cake that's also adorable? What then?

Admit it: at first you were all, "Whatever, Jen, you're just messing with us." But then you were all, "Omigosh that is totally an adorable sperm cake." Right? Right?

And if you'd like some cupcakes to go with the adorable bow-tied sperm cake:

Oops. Ok, now we're back to creepy.

That was a good run, though. Yep. Remember that cute sperm cake? Yeah. Good times.

 Hey, ever wonder what the most intensely awkward inscription for a baby shower cake could be? Yes? (Me, too!!)

 Well, WONDER NO MORE:

No, please, DO GO ON.

I desperately want this to be Part One of the shower desserts, you guys. And then this would be Part Two:

[Psycho Shower Music]

 BWHAHAHAHAA!!

Sorry, sorry; I'm just imagining your reaction over here, and it. is. priceless. Did you notice the chocolate sprinkles up there? Did you?

I can't just leave you with that image, though, so allow me to present what I think should immediately become the new gold standard in baby shower congratulations:

And I thought "handmade" was impressive.

 
Thanks to Maggie S., Jennifer A., Robyn H., Sara R., Katie S., Anony M., Deborah C., Cindy R., Libbie A., & Rachel C. for the inspiration. Assuming you never want to host a baby shower again, of course.

*****

P.S. I really shouldn't be encouraging this kind of behavior, BUT.... look at this cute balloon cookie cutter!

Sperm Cookie Cutter

:p

Rear View Wreckage

Loyal henchpersons, I won't lie to you: today's post scares the bejeepers out of me.

You see, if ever a Wreck was cursed on this blog, it is the Baby Butt Cake:

By Anything Artistic

I first posted one waaaay back in the infant days of Wrecks, but I soon had to pull the photo when I learned the baker was not a pro. So, I replaced it with a different butt cake. This time the baker was a pro, but was also none too pleased at having her creation be the butt of my butt jokes. So, I pulled THAT photo. (To date, I've only had about 8 or 9 bakers ever ask me to remove a photo. Not a bad record, for all that.)

At that point I decided the post was cursed, and left it.

However, today, dear readers, I face my fears. You see, the butt cake phenomenon has been growing unchecked, and is now threatening to overrun the world's baby showers. My friends, we cannot let this happen. Even if the cakes are well-executed,* I ask you: where is the sense? Where is the "cute?"

[*Heh. "Well-executed." Heh.]

Where...is the other half of this baby?

Aha! You see, most pro-butt bakers won't show you *this* angle.

Instead, they prefer to showcase their creations by the light of the full moon:

For many of these designs, the angle is such that it appears the baby is stuck head-down inside the cake - thereby answering the "where's the rest of him?" question, but raising several more of the "who buries a baby in a cake?" variety.

Other bakers unashamedly go with the Bisected Baby approach, figuring that a little fondant draping over that waist jutting off the side somehow makes the whole thing "work."

And since we're obviously not letting a trifling thing like anatomy get in the way, why NOT have Gumby knees?

Ouch.

This one almost looks like a head and hands popping up:

While this one makes me really....uncomfortable.

[looking left and right] Um...

Ok. Yeah. I'm just going to go ahead and say it:

The "Barely There Censor Bear" is really earning his money today.

And finally, let's end with something so hilarious that I have no choice but(t) to believe the baker is mocking the entire Baby Butt genre:

Yes!!
If you must have a butt cake, then this is the one to have.
(Always go for comedy over cute with body part cakes. It's safer that way.)

Thanks to Tina, Anony M., Carolina, Jamie, Marilyn W., Angie & Kim, Ashley D., Lisa E., & Jillayne, who are all bottom-feeders. In a good way. (Kind of.)

*****

P.S. Presenting my all-time favorite Christmas tee, and heck yes I've already been wearing it for the last 3 weeks:

Tree Rex T-Shirt

 The graphic is bright and cheery, it's super soft, and there are more colors and cuts for Men and Kids at the link.

******

And from my other blog, Epbot: