The Day the Earth Wouldn't Stand Still

Yesterday the United States of America suffered one of its darkest hours, in what is already being called "The Great Richmond Earthquake Of 2011." During the crisis, literally billions of unsuspecting East Coast citizens were mercilessly and violently wiggled for an agonizing duration of nearly 25 seconds.

Already, hospitals have admitted hundreds of thousands of injured office workers complaining of whiplash. Said one local executive assistant, "That's covered under worker's comp, right? OW! My KNEE! I mean... MY NECK!!"

Damage reports are still coming in, but since this is America, preliminary estimates are topping 7 trillion dollars.

Hardest hit, however, were our nation's bakeries.

Yes, tragically, the quake caused baked goods to slide off boards...

 

...wedding cakes to collapse in on themselves:

 

...and cupcakes to receive a really thorough "jostling:"

In addition, many areas had entire bottles of sprinkles tip over, crushing everything below in a rainbow hued shower of stale crunchiness.

There were also similar disasters with the food coloring:

But amidst all this tragedy, a few shining rays of light emerge.

Heroically, some wreckerators refused to seek shelter, choosing instead to continue their work:

This kind of sacrifice might be called selfless. Valiant, even.

We caught up with one anonymous hero in the Richmond, Virginia Shop-A-Lot to ask how she did it.

"Well, I just kept squeezing on that icing tube, and squeezing, and squeezing, and tried to stay on my feet, you know?"

When asked if the earthquake frightened her, the baker responded,

"Earthquake? What earthquake?"


An attitude worthy of a local hero.

Thanks to field wreckporters Seanna B., Rachel O., Kelsey, Yello, Carissa B., Lara A., and Kristi M. for their in-depth coverage today.

[Editor's note: Upon further investigation it appears all of today's "earthquake cakes" were in fact made last week, and the baker quoted was asleep on her lunch break during the quake. CW regrets the error.]