Tiers for Fears

It's National Face Your Fears Day, my friends, so buckle up. You and me, we're gonna get through this.

See, the trick is to just tackle these things head on.

Unless it's giant spiders. NEVER TACKLE GIANT SPIDERS.

Er, everyone's afraid of being attacked by anthropomorphized melons bearing pointy plastic cutlery, right?

Right?

Well, I KNOW you're afraid of clowns, so here are a few time-tested techniques (from a former clown, I might add) for managing the Squeaky Nose heebie-jeebies:

1) Picture them naked:

But watch out for any funny squirting "flowers."

2) ... or dead:

They're far less likely to tie your intestines into balloon animals this way.

3) ... or better yet, naked AND dead.

[PICTURE REDACTED]

See? Not so scary now, right?

Perhaps you suffer from Anatidaephobia, the fear that a duck is watching you.

I'm told this is a duck.

Never fear, I have a solution for that, too! See, there's this new show out called "Duck Dynasty," and while I've never actually watched it, I am sure it can remove your fear of ducks watching you...

... and replace it with the fear of this cake watching you.

Then there's the appropriately named fear of long words - which I swear I am not making up - called "hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia."

This one is easily remedied; first, never tell anyone you have it.

Second, abbreviate everything.

It also helps to adopt a cryptic, mysterious air. People eat that stuff up, man.

And finally, for my fellow germaphobes:

Good luck with that.

I'm afraid that Genevieve G., Amy M., Amber, Nicole V., Kelsey W., Mandy B., Joelle P., Kelli P., & Andrea M. are all terribly nice people - even when they're brandishing plastic cutlery.