AND DON'T CALL HIM "PATTY"

Today we come together as a nation to celebrate St. Patrick's Day in the most thoughtful, respectful manner possible...

...while insinuating Irish people are a bunch of drunk leprechauns.

As a person of Irish heritage myself, I'm actually more disturbed by whatever's happening here:

Whatever it is, it is WAY too happy to see you.

Or here:

[Monty Python voice]: PLAGUE.

Or the fact that green plastic hats somehow make any cake St. Patrick's Day appropriate:

Sláinte.

So whether you get your rocks off with that whole kissing thing:

Never to be taken for granite.

Or by asking bakers if they happen to have 6 fingers on their right hand:

INCONCEIVABLE.

Here's hoping you have a delightful St. Patrick's Day, minions.

Now, go enjoy one of these traditional Irish treats:

...while Internet commenters everywhere give their yearly speech on how "St. Patrick wasn't even Irish."

Ahhh, holidays.

Thanks to Annie & Matt, Abbey R., Tracie F., Anne B., Andrew M., Bekka N., Molly S., & Interweb mansplainers everywhere for the inspiration to drink more.

*****

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