Graphic Jams

[NOTE: Today's final wreck is slightly NSFW, although I did my best with the censor bars. Honest.]

***

Last night I was talking with friends about how my job here at CW is a little harder these days - not because bakers are making less wrecks, but because they're making them so graphic now that I can't post the worst offenders anymore.

Used to be I'd get all giddy when some colossally disgusting monstrosity came in. Now, I look at the photo-realistic bloody entrails or crowning viscera of a C-section, sculpted in painstaking anatomical correctness, and I'm all, "Welp. CAN'T POST THAT."

It's disheartening, let me tell ya.

(And don't get me started on erotic cakes. That entire market is one big wreck-fest, but can I post the fountains of phalluses? NoooOOooo. Not that I'd really want to, of course. Seeing that much fondant pubic hair does things to a person. Bad things.)

I ask you, bakers, whatever happened to good old fashioned screaming baby dolls jammed on top of sheet cakes?

Isn't this traumatizing enough?

Or how about questioning the mother's identity while insinuating her "baby" is really just a good BM?

I bet "Maggy" and "Little Crapper" will cherish this memory always.

If you really want to startle your clients, bakers, why not just throw a maternity shirt - a real one - over an edible sonogram? I mean, have you SEEN how scary those things are?

Though I must admit, the urge to stick a bloody Alien head under that top would be pretty overwhelming. [evil grin]

Oooh, and hey, bakers, never underestimate the power of the fugly side:

 "FEEL THE POWER."

("Oh. I can feel it.")

Hang on, you're not even listening to me, are you, bakers? You're over there giggling madly while shaking chocolate sprinkles all over your pastry hoo-haws, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

I knew it.

Well, can you at least stop dismembering baby dolls and jamming their arms and heads inside? Please?

*sigh* Ok. Fine. But THIS MEANS WAR. 

 One with lots and lots of censor bars.

(In my defense: how would YOU censor that second cake? Just pretend it's a... um... peanut. With a baby head. And lady bits. [If you really want to see the uncensored version, click here.])

(Btw, that's the least graphic example of the hoo-haw trend I could find. And believe me, it IS a trend. I'm being inundated! Eek!)

Thanks to Debbie M., Magdalena E., Lisa, Melissa A., & Kellie W. for not asking why a baby shower needs a hoo-haw smash cake. Because, srsly, NO ONE HERE WANTS TO KNOW.