The Miracle of Birth, With a Side of Raspberry Jam

It all started with the first censored Cake Wreck:

Remember when I first posted this four years ago? How shocking it was back then?

Ahh, those were the days.

Unfortunately, wreckerators thought edible birth scenes were a BRILLIANT idea, and suddenly there were fondant babies popping out of raspberry jam-smeared vajay jays everywhere. And for some odd reason, I can't help but feel just a teensy bit responsible.

I am become death, the destroyer of wombs.

You might think the more cartoonish versions would be less traumatizing, but only if you've never seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have. Yeah, you heard me: PUBIC HAIR SPRINKLES. If I have to see it, the least you can do is imagine it.

Do you see the size of that censor box? DO YOU?

 Let's just say there are five people at that shower who will never eat chocolate sprinkles again.

 And the sixth will never kiss the top of her kids' heads again.

 You'll also note that the pubic hair sprinkles are shedding/spreading down mom's legs. You will note this, because I won't let you not note it, and also because I'm really enjoying typing "pubic hair sprinkles."

 Question: Where are this poor woman's arms?

And why does she have two pumpkins on her chest? And should we be happy the baby is smeared in white icing instead of raspberry jam? 

Which reminds me of a:

TRUE STORY I COULD NOT POSSIBLY MAKE UP: I've attended one birth in my life (beside my own, of course, but the view that time was terrible), and the baby was a "cheesecake baby." Nurses, feel free to explain that in the comments. Everyone else, good luck not remembering this the next time you're eating cheesecake.

I'd really hoped this kind of insanity was contained to just the U.S., but no.

I'm not sure what's coming out of that woman, but it looks like the volleyball head from Castaway floating in intestines. (The censor bar says, "You're welcome.")

And speaking of censor bars, this final cake was so explicit that it was actually impossible to make a censor bar large enough, so we've done the reverse: covered everything except a small circle. Even that is pretty graphic, though, so scroll with caution - and don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

You guys, I never thought I'd say this, but... I miss belly cakes.

 (You know it's bad when a C-section cake is less traumatizing, am I right?)

Thanks to Tessa L., Ginn, Christina T., Karen H., and Amanda N., and an extra big and bloody thanks to Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes, the baker of the most explicitly realistic birth cake I've ever had the misfortune of seeing in all its uncensored glory.

Laura actually sent me the cake herself, explaining that even though she managed to gross herself out with it, she's still especially proud of the "skin tone and blemishes." If your morbid curiosity is compelling you to see the full, uncensored version - and I know it is - then you can see it HERE. (EXTREMELY NSFW. You have been warned!)