Improper Grooming

Grooms-to-be, we need to talk.

Your future wife has probably been planning her dream wedding since puberty. So your job is to pick a groom's cake that shows you gave this one small decision more than 5 minutes' thought with a Magic 8 Ball while you waited for Halo to load.

So. A few tips:

 

- Don't give your infantile friends the chance to make "Big Melon" jokes: 

Because you know they will, and probably to your future mother-in-law.

(You might avoid this situation by printing out a simple reference guide for your baker:

 

- While we're at it, don't give your friends any openings for "limp hose" jokes, either.

 They'll probably save those for their toasts. 

 

- There is no place for entrails at a wedding. Ever.

Trust me, the bride will hate your guts. 

 

- Do not, under any circumstances, insinuate your bride is a female dog.

Not cool, man. Not cool.

 

- Also avoid any implication that you're having a shotgun wedding...

(...and that multiple shots were required)

 

...or that you were a sitting duck.

(That is a cake, right? The masterful camouflage is making it so hard to see!)

 

- And finally, never, EVER, give your friends and family a reason to think your marriage might go down the crapper:

 

 

Thanks to Todd Kim, Anon M., Katie L., Allison, Anna C., Anon., and Solli S. for joining me in a rousing rendition of "Here Comes the Snide."